Baby shows, blogging and the Cadillac XTS commercial with the dickhead dad

So I helped out today at the New York baby show.  I was working the dads lounge which was pretty popular.  I wanted to think that I was so charismatic people were just flocking to me to hear my chit chat about the New York City dads group.  Turns out though that it was because the only two changing tables at the WHOLE NY Baby Show were, you guessed it, in the dads lounge.

I mean this is a baby show and people were saying that they didn't even have any in the rest rooms.  The kicker (for me anyway) was that pretty much right across from us was the moms lounge.  They had lemon aid.  Oh, and a nice area rug in the corner for the kiddies to play so you could sit, relax a bit and well, enjoy your lemon aid.  They also had pretty flowers.

The dads lounge was not as pretty I'll admit, but WE had what the people REALLY needed, a place to wipe your kids butt.  Not that I had anything to do with it mind you but it gives me a reason to say that 'dads rock!'

Moms rock too.

So anyway back to the New York City dads group.  They meet up a few times a week at parks, museums and other get togethers ranging from 'How to intrude your kids to chess' to dads only nights out for a beer or even a movie screening.  I got to see 'Start Trek: Into the Darkness' like a week before it opened so that was cool.

But that's not the point of this post (if there is any).  While there I met a few other at-home-dads like Kevin McKeever, Oren Miller and Jason Green.  I also met Natalie Diaz of Twiniversity which reminds me, I have to send her an email about my diaper bag, but I digress.  I had fun and very much enjoyed my conversations with these people and as an aspiring write....and as an aspiring blogge....

...well, as an aspiring something I wanted to get their input on how much they post.  You see I've had this particular slice of the internet for almost 2 years now and this is post #37.  That's not even one month!  I've been lazy at times, forgetful others and at one point took about 3 months off of everything to renovate my kitchen on my own.  I've never felt obligated to post every little thing and viewed this mostly as a way for me to look back on my life when I'm old and senile and nothing good is on the TV, if we are still using the TV then.  Also for my kids and whomever else may want to can look me up long after I'm gone and read some of the nonsense I was thinking at the time.  Those though are excuses and a long time ago when I was working for stock brokers because I thought I wanted my series 7 I learned that:

Winners have attitudes, losers have excuses!

Ok not very PC I admit but it makes a point and it's my brain that brings up these flashes of wisdom so don't blame me.

Regardless of what I may think this blog is about the point is that I should be posting every day.  Heck, after only 37 posts I guess I really can't say what this blog is about anyway so I'm going to give it a try.  How long will it last?  Who knows.  It's very possible that this will be my last post for months so I guess I'll just have to see but that's not the point of this post (or is it).

Since I need to write about something I've decided to kick it off with this Cadillac commercial...

So the first time I see the commercial I'm like, cool you can synch your playlist.  I wonder how long that will take to filter down to whatever very, very un-Cadillac type car I wind up getting in the future and then I'm like "What the f did I just watch?'

Ok so lets break this down, the kid basically grabs his backpack for what I guess is a weekend with dad.  He gets in the car and doesn't notice anything until the father starts up the car with a push of a button to which the teen finally takes off his headphones and asks "Did you get a new car?" and they both smile and the commercial continues.

Then it hits me.  The dad is obviously divorced from this kids mom.  He's got to be, his own son had no idea he was getting a new car.  As a former teen male myself with divorced parents I can tell you that if either one of them was getting a new car, I knew about it.  That this kid had no idea suggests a paternal relationship even more dysfunctional than mine and that's not good.

Then I think wait a sec, this is an expensive car isn't it?  Hell, it starts at 45K so now we have a young divorced dad who apparently can blow 45K-60K on a car to apparently impress his teenage son.

'What a dick!'  I think.  I mean why would you not tell your kid your thinking of getting a new car and at least try and bond with him that way.  I imagine the ad execs at Cadillac could have had the dad looking for a luxury car and his teen tells him what's hip or something and managed come up with a good commercial.

Nope, instead they decided to go for the dickhead dad segment.  The guys who think it's cool to blow a wad of cash on a car so they can get points with their kid.  That's what I got from it.  All they needed was a big breasted bimbo girlfriend in the car to complete the picture but then the kid would have had to get into the back which would have killed the bonding vibe I figure they were trying to convey.

Thanks internet.  I need to get that off my chest.  That commercial has been bugging me for a while.  

Kindergarten admissions process - Math, Science? Who cares, I want to know what time my kid eats lunch!

It's that time when parents are freaking out about where to send their little ones to school.  My daughter will be entering kindergarten this September so I did the school tour thing.  I've been to about 10.  I knew things were different from when I went to grade school way back in the 70's, I really wasn't sure just how different it was but basically my view was 'a school is a school', some will be better than others so I'll see which ones I like.

I will admit, I'm pretty blasé about the process.  You see, no matter where she goes I'll be helping her with her homework and involved in her learning.  How much may depend on the school she attends but to me that part is unimportant.  I have heard parents bitch and moan that some kids get too much homework and it interferes with their own time.  I keep thinking tough, should have thought about that before you had a kid.  The important thing is that I feel she will be in a positive learning environment.  If she likes school then it will be that much easier to learn.

What happens though is that I go to these tours and I hear the questions the other parents have and I"m, well, flabbergasted.

The majority of questions are not about reading, writing and arithmetic.  I heard more questions about when lunch was served, if the kids get to go out and play, and how they handle kids with allergies.  Not that these are not valid questions, I asked some myself.  I also asked things like what type of math do you teach.  When told TERC I would have a follow up pointing out that many college professors don't believe that program properly prepares kids for higher math.  Did they feel the same way and did they feel the need to supliment?

Not to toot my own horn, but that is the type of question I think more people should be asking.

Sadly very few do and more are concerned about how the school separates older kids from younger and how is bullying handled.  'Will the children have to walk up all these stairs?"  Or,  "My son is very energetic and has trouble sitting still for long periods of time...", as if an elementary school that has been around for years and has hundreds of students has not come across that 'kid' before.

I really see that a lot of parents are more concerned about how their little snowflake will feel in school and that is great, it's just that I didn't get the vibe from these people that they were more concerned about what their kid will learn.

I don't understand how we can keep educators on their toes about education when our greatest concern is that little Sarah may eat lunch at 10am.  I'm not saying that these things are not important, but I have seen these types of questions take up way more time then questions about actual academics and that is if anyone else even bothers to ask!


Also, whenever I would go to these things I made it a point to look at the children's faces.  It's very easy to scan over a classroom and walk away thinking, 'I saw some nice artwork on the wall and the kids seem ok.  Now how did this school do on state wide testing?'  It's quite another to actually walk up and really look at some of the work on the walls and take a good look at the kids facial expressions and body language.  Do they  look engaged?  Are they paying attention or are they just board?

At one school the work on the wall for a particular grade was about the constitution.  I think it was the 1st amendment.  All the reports were, sad to say, uninspiring.  They all started pretty much the same way...

I like the 1st amendment because...
The 1st amendment is my favorite because...
The 1st amendment is the most important because...

Ok, that is not exactly what they said but that is pretty much what they were all like.  A whole classroom of assignments that were all pretty much the same, uninspired and made me think of my grammar school days when I would get a report like that, sit on it, do it last minute and get an A.

I see that and am not impressed but other parents are ooing and ahhing that the kids are writing about the constitution.  They see the work on the wall, they just don't really look.  That contrasted sharply with another school where the kids were evidently allowed to choose what they wrote about.  My favorite was the kid who wrote an essay on why they should have less homework.

At that school all the essays were fun and though they were written by a younger class than the 1st amendment assignments I saw they were all (the ones I saw), better and showed students actively engaged in their assignments, not just merely regurgitation facts.

So basically, for the parents who will go through this next year don't be afraid to ask questions.  They may not like some of what you ask.  When safety came up and I asked how may times they reported incidents to the police (which are records they must keep required by law) they hated that and could never give an answer or would just say only a few.

You are thinking of sending your kid there with people you don't know for a few hours a day.  Ask whatever you think is important, don't be afraid.  After seeing a teacher destroy the pronunciation of acetaminophen during a school tour I told the guide that I found that deplorable.

I was the only one who spoke up and I was told later by other parents that they were thinking the same thing.  I remember thinking 'Why didn't you say something then?'

This is how that particualr situation played out...

On the school tour they took us into a science class.  The teacher could not pronounce the word acetaminophen.  It was the main ingredient in their experiment.  I can deal with that I mean, I mangle words all the time but the thing is, she didn't bother to even find out.  Instead she told the class to just call it a pain pill.

After we exited the class I did say that I thought that what I just saw was appalling.  After all, it was their scheduled tour.

Later, after the tour was over the teacher/guide was speaking to another parent but was right next to me.  I hear that she was taking about 'irate parents' saying how they just get upset and write emails.  While she says this she is making gestures like banging away at a keyboard saying 'blah blah blah' so without thinking (I admit) I say "excuse me, are you doing an imitation of an upset parent writing a letter?'

She got very defensive, and in the end it would up with her wagging a finger in front of my face, calling me aggressive loudly enough for other parents to hear and then walking away from me.

It's possible I am making too much of that but I tend to think that if a grown adult can lose it like that on me after only a few minutes, why should I believe she can always maintain her composure with the children?  Heck, they probably would not even know it if they were talked down to by a teacher.  I can't just say she would never do that to a kid because she just did it to me and I'm there because I'm interested in the school.

I did speak to the principal and she was very nice.  Her response was basically that she wasn't there to hear the teacher mispronounce the word and suggested that it was really not that bad.  As far as the behaviour of the guide/teacher, she didn't bother to address it at all.  Basically before she got off the phone she had made it clear that she did not witness the events personally and that it probably wasn't that big of a deal.

Now this was at a public school in a gentrified area that has a very good reputation and very involved parent community.  Enough so that parents are tripping all over themselves to get their kid enrolled.  Though this teacher was doing this exaggerated impersonation of a parent, nobody was paying attention to it.  Me, all I can think of is...

What if you are talking to this teacher during a parent teacher meeting and she tells you that your kid has behavioral issues?  Is she really the person to make that call?  What if you as a parent go to this particular teach to express a concern you may have?  Do you think she would take it seriously or just tell you that she will and mock you later?

For me that type of behavior by a teacher selected to represent the school, not to mention the principal who wanted to make it seem like it never happened was a deal breaker for me and that school.

Had I not been able to bring myself to ask a few questions and speak my mind I would, like the other parents there thought that it was a great place to send my kid.

Can a daddy use a little girls room?

So I go to pick up my daughter from UPK the other day.  As often happens my daughter wants to go to the bathroom before we leave and tells me that she has to go potty.  She goes into the girl’s room and I, as usual, follow.

Now nobody else is usually around and there is a sink and towel area before the stall area.  I hang out by the sink and glimpse over to the stall area from time to time to make sure everything is proceeding as it should.  For example, when I saw that she was rolling out enough tp that it made contact with the bathroom floor I told her not to use that and to not let the toilet paper touch the ground.  Other duties have included flush monitor and helping to pull pants back up.

Once a teacher was with another student and asked that I wait outside and that she would help my kid to which my child said no, she wanted me.  The teacher saw my kid meant business and let us be, it was fine and I was a bit relieved.  You never know how a situation can turn out and I have managed to avoid it.

Until now...

Same old story, my kid is in the stall, I look under and see her little feet dangling.  I give her few moments and next time I check she is pulling her pants up.  I'll just need to help with the sink and paper towel.  At that moment a teacher walks in, a different one and upon seeing me she starts giving me the whole 'Please wait outside and I'll help your daughter' thing. 

I tell her that I'll just be by the sink area to help out my kid and we will be off.  Everyone is nice and polite.  This is not a horror story of tempers, but more of a look at behavior.  The teacher starts to tell me that it's a woman's room and she just has to go to the bathroom.  I'm trying to tell her that I'll be by the sink and won't be able to see her and my daughter rounds the corner and tells the lady "I don't want you.  I want my daddy to help" and bee lines right for me.

As this is happening, the teacher who has been fixated on me completely misses what my kid just said and instinctively bends down over my daughter putting her arms around my daughter’s waist to guide her to the sink.  My daughter is not budging and sticking by me.  I start telling the teacher, "Please let go of my daughter.  Still, nobody is yelling, but I am being more forceful in my demand for her to let my kid go, as I had to say this at least three times.

Finally she stopped and straightened up, listening to me long enough for me to explain that she just ignored my kid while grabbing her in front of her dad and not letting go when asked.  Well, she was all apologies then and left us alone.  It's not like I rarely drop her off or pick her up, or that the teachers and staff don't recognize me.  For that teacher it was all about me being a man in a girl’s room and not a father looking out for and helping his little girl.

I'm not really sure what to make of that?

How the TV will let me know when I am old

How do I know I'm getting old?  Because those Time Life Music Collection commercials, or whatever they are nowadays, are finally starting to target the music from my era.  It's not quite aimed at me exactly as some of the music was released in 1975 and 1979 when I was between 5 and 10, but it's close.

I remember these songs.  Songs like 'Swear to God', 'The Hustle' and 'Ladies Night' but they really don't have that 'Oh yeah, I was doing THAT when this came  out' kind of appeal.  For me, those songs came out later.  The music they are advertising now makes me think, 'Oh yeah, I remember that on the radio' 

That is why I will know that I am getting old when those infomercials start playing Depeche Mode, Adam Ant and...can't you just hear it now, UB40's 'Red Red Wine'.  You know there has got to  be somebody over at the music collection hits infomercial main office that is just waiting to pull the trigger on that one.

Bootlegging daddy: The Fresh Beat Band

There used to be a time when I went to full-fledged stadium sized concerts. I've seen The Police, Prince, Billy Joel, Elton John and Pink Floyd to name a few. I was even at Woodstock 94, you know, the one where the masses didn't make an ass of themselves and set stuff on fire.

Oh how children change things. Concerts now can start at 11am, can be in a park and are never more than an hour long (thank goodness). There are a few acts that are big enough to play concert halls. Not the really big ones like Madison Square Garden which can seat about 20,000 people but venues like the Beacon Theater that fit about 2,000.

One of the biggest kid bands out there now is 'The Fresh Beat Band' and wouldn't you know it, my daughter loves them. Quite often she informs me that she is KiKi, I'm Shout, my wife is Marina and my soon to be 1 year old is Twist. Getting tickets for them is ridiculously hard. They sell out fast. Like World Series fast. My wife however managed to score a pair for my daughter and I. She was also lucky enough to win a pair so we got to go twice in two weeks (oh joy).

So...I did what any parent would do when at a concert of their kids favorite band, I recorded as much of it as I could for enjoyment later. Hell, at $50 a ticket (nosebleed section) I want to make sure the experience lasts. I also took a bunch of photos. If your kid is a Fresh Beats fan or if you are thinking about going to the show then check out the pics and video below to get an idea of what the experience is like. Maybe I can even help out a few parents by providing a moment of peace so you can get something done.

First, the pictures. Enjoy...



Now for some video...

Star Wars Celebration

Last August my wife won a 4 day pass to Star Wars Celebration VI in Florida.  As an early birthday present she handed me the tickets and told me to go for four days away from the kids and relax.

Only problem is that a lot of my family on both sides migrated to Florida and they are all relatively close to one another.  I made the mistake of actually telling them I was heading down.  That wound up turning what should have been a pleasant, relaxing mini-vacation into, well, a stress filled trip filled with family drama.  Oh yeah, and about 600 miles driven in 4 days to stop by and say hi to everyone in various parts of the Sunshine state.

In the midst of all this familial frustration was the Star Wars convention.  I didn't get to go nearly as much as I had wanted to and missed most of what I wanted to see.  It was all worth it though,  if for no other reason than this...

That's me and a very gracious Mark Hamill

The time I did spend there was very therapeutic.  When you are at home with 2 kids and then have to deal with family drama on a so called vacation, a few hours of mindless indulgence at a convention all about a childhood favorite like Star Wars is just what the psychiatrist ordered.

But I'm sure you don't want to hear any more about that.  "Bring on the pix and vid" you say?  Well, I hear you loud and clear.  Below is a compilation of the pictures I took while walking about and a short video clip of the "Star Wars in 60 minutes" performance that I caught.  There are over 100 pics with the last few being various Star Wars tattoos and when you go to a Star Wars convention you are going to see some pretty awesome Star Wars tattoos.  They even had a Tattooine (get it?) station where you could get some ink.  I hope you enjoy...



Now for the video.  I was lucky enough to be able to catch one of the performances of "Star Wars in 60 Minutes" which was really a very good show.  Of course, the more you know the movies the funnier it was.  I was able to record some of it on my phone and stitch it together for your viewing pleasure.  What follows is about 9 minutes of various scenes.  Again, enjoy...

 ...and may the Force be with you.

The darker side of daddyhood: Depression

First of all, this post is not meant to be any kind of guide to help you identify symptoms of or find treatments for depression.  If you are seriously researching depression and looking for answers I'll tell you now, this is not where you want to be.  This is just a kind of therapy for me.  A way to recognize, deal with and preserve my feelings at this moment in time. 

Now, with that said, I know I don't blog very often but then again, I'm a guy.  Not to be stereotypical but we tend not to feel the need to share every little thing, especially to the world (not that anyone is actually reading this).  Besides, I'm busy.  I have 2 kids to take care of and finding creative ways to ignore them while I blog isn't something I'm willing to do on a daily basis.  Right now my 4 year old is eating a sandwich and watching Pocoyo.  My 11 month old is happily playing next to me as I keep putting a steady supply of chicken in a little bowl for him to nosh on.

Ok, so back to the topic…depression, or at least my version of it.  I don't want to say I'm truly depressed because I'm sure anyone who really suffers from it would be thrilled to have my iteration of it.  I guess it's more accurate to say that I'm in a funk for lack of a better term.  I find I am at a point now where my motivation for things is lacking and I'm thinking more about the future, and not in a good way.  I see myself going from a guy who when he wanted something, got it done in days when others took weeks to do the same thing.

I can see the process starting of transforming from a carefree happy-go-lucky guy into a bitter person.  I feel that if I can't get myself kick-started again then the consequences for myself and those that I love will be, well, bad.

Now I'm not saying that I'm going to go postal or anything like that.  I'm not going to run out and get a sports car and go chasing after some chick way too young for me so that I can feel good about myself.  That's my dad and Lord knows I have no desire to be anything like him (that's a whole other post).  What I am saying is that it's not good for anyone in a family when one member is unhappy.  When, instead of trying to do something about it they just kind of give up, descending into that unhappiness which reaches out it's tentacles to embrace everyone around it in a slow growing misery.

I don't want that to happen.  I don't want to be that guy.

Why am I in this funk?

About 1 month after my daughter was born I was laid off.  Instead of getting all worried, I looked at it as the universe telling us what to do.  Sure the economy was crumbling and the mortgage crisis was underway but we were alright.  We had to retool our finances but we have managed to survive quite nicely on one income.  We are not rich, far from it but our kid has her own iPad (1st gen) and iPhone (3g) so it's not like we are starving.  Things could be better financially but that is probably true for you too.

Like I said, it was the universe telling me to stop working for a while, stay home to raise my child and go back to school and that is exactly what I did.  I went back part-time and in 3 years I managed to finish my undergrad in Psychology.  As proud of myself as I am for that accomplishment I am equally proud of the fact that 4 years later and with another kid we have managed to never use a babysitter or nanny.  That's not to say that we never left our kids with anyone else but it has only been with close friends with kids the same age and only for an hour or two and very rarely.  I can count on one hand the number of times our kids have been left with someone else so that I could take care of something.

I know what you’re thinking..."Now there's your problem! You need to get away from the kids once in a while for your own sanity." Normally I would agree, but the thing is, I didn't have my first kid till I was 38 so I have had plenty of time for myself.  As for the kids driving me crazy, well, they don't.  I can listen to a baby cry all day long and be fine.  That rarely happens though because unless they are sick and miserable, I find that if you pay attention to your kids you can usually tell why they are crying, fix the situation and enjoy some form of peace.  Truthfully, I love being with the kids.  It's like a vacation.  Sure it's hard work but you see the results right there in front of you.  I mean, I just don't understand any parent that has the opportunity to stay home with their kid but doesn't embrace, or rather, appreciate what a gift that is.  Believe me, they are out there.

For me it boils down to feeling like I am not doing anything productive.  Yes I know that raising kids is the most important thing you can do but that ain't helping to pay the rent and it certainly isn't putting any money in the bank.  I'm at the point where I feel like I should be doing something.  Hell, there are things I want to do but there just isn't any time.  I want to feel like I am doing something for my, as well as my family's future.

When I was in school it was rough.  Any free time was spent studying.  The kid is napping, time to read another chapter.  Dinner is done and our daughter is asleep, time to work on a paper.  As tiring and crazy as that was I had a clear purpose.  My goal was to get my diploma so that when the time came I could have more options.  My daughter would start school herself and I could try to re-enter the workforce.

Then we had another kid.  That had an immediate effect on my plans.  I intended to go to grad school but now that will have to wait if it even winds up still being in the cards.  Sure, if I really tried hard enough I'm sure I could find a way to go.  Only problem is, I don't like the prospect of paying for classes and failing or getting a C.  At this point It's just not possible to do and do well.  I mean, you can't study during naptime when you have another kid to watch.  You can't catch up on reading at night when you have to help your kid with a midnight potty and she asks you to stay in her room with her.  You can't write a paper when one kid wants to play and another keeps grabbing the computer screen.  When it's a choice of being a mediocre parent and student or a good dad, I'll choose being a good dad.

Of course my wife would help in any way she could.  She certainly did when I went back to college but it's a whole new ballgame when you have more than one kid.  She does a lot already.  I'm not going to put her in a situation where she is up all night dealing with the kids so I can study only to have to go to work the next day.  That would just create two exhausted parents and that's not good for anyone.

I'm just finding it hard to get my motivation back.  I can marry people.  I have a website up and it can be a nice way to make some extra cash but at the moment...I don't care.  I should be working on advertising it but I'm not.  I have done some photography and videography.  I've been wanting to get a photography site up and try to grow that business but lately I've been thinking, "Why bother?" I mean, the only time I have to work on any project of mine is after the kids are asleep and before my daughter wakes up in the middle of the night.  That gives me like 4 hours but by then I'm just tired and would rather watch some TV with my wife or just rest and do nothing.  I used to be able to set up a small home studio for headshots.  With one kid it was doable.  My wife works from home two days a week so I at least had those two days to book clients when she could help.  Again, it’s a totally different situation with a 4 year old and an 11 month old.  For one thing, whatever space we used to have with one kid is gone now with two (we live in an apartment).

I see other parents, moms mostly, who are home with their kids and I tell myself, "You’re not alone." But I feel as if I am.  Some have housekeepers, a few have had their kids in daycare and one or two have even had nannies (that would be the men).  I mean, maybe it's my Hispanic background but I don't understand having someone else watch your kid when a parent is available.  It's not that I'm jealous of them.  I like them a lot and they have great kids.  It comes down to different styles of parenting.  Even the ones without any paid help can still drop the kids off at the grandparent’s house so they can enjoy a free evening or weekend once in a while.  

For us, that's just not an option.  Both our mothers mean well, but they forget that their own mothers, that is, our grandmothers were the ones that actually took care of us when we were very young.  It became apparent very quickly after our 1st child was born that leaving them with grandma was not an option.  One is so overprotective by nature that our child would not have been encouraged in the way we want and would have been exposed to fear based parenting.  The other was just not physically prepared for the riggers of dealing with an infant and not aware of household dangers that a child needs to be protected from.  Both, at the time had ideas of parenting that were at best outdated and at the worst just damaging for a child to be exposed to no matter how well meaning they are.  They are both much better now and down the road I'm sure there will be sleepovers at grandmas, just not yet.  As for the grandfathers, well, my wife's father passed away during the time we met and my father has descended into the kind of person I believe should not be allowed to watch my kids.  Besides, in all this time he has only ever seen one of his grandkids in person once, and that was because he was practically forced to be in the same room as me.

Aside from the grandparents, I realize that the lack of help is all on us.  We could have always found a way to put our kid in daycare or hire babysitters if that is what we wanted to do.  Hell, I'm looking at over 5k worth of camera equipment that I got after my daughter was born not to mention the computers and smartphones.  I just believe that if you can pull it off, there is nothing better for a child than to have a parent at home, especially if that child is a girl and the parent is a dad.  No babysitters, no nannies, no daycare.  To be clear, I'm talking about people who are able to have a parent at home.  Of course with a single parent or a situation where both parents work things are different.

But I noticed something with the moms, whether they do it all on their own or have some sort of help.  It’s an attitude that I do not have nor have I seen with the one or two dads in similar situations.  Not to sound sexist, but from what I see and know of the womenfolk who stay home with the kids, well, they really don't seem to be anxious to get back to work.  They seem, that being the operative word, SEEM to me to be fine staying at home for good.  Why not?  Nobody thinks twice about a woman who chooses to be a homemaker.  Over the years and many, many conversations I've had with moms in the playground I have never heard any of them talk about their intention to return to work full time when the kid(s) are old enough.  I have heard talk of pursuing certain ventures once the kids are in school or trying to do something part-time but I have yet to hear any of the moms express their desire, or worry, about returning to full time 40+ hours a week crappy ass work.  Maybe it's just that they don't talk about those things to the one dad in the group.  Maybe it's just that I'm busy running around with my kid while the moms are grouped together chatting as they watch their kids but even from the ones that I think I know well, there is not that pressure to go back to work.

Me, I feel the pressure.  I just can't see myself still at home cleaning up and cooking dinner when both kids are at school.  At that point I need to be doing something.  Hopefully it's something I enjoy or maybe it's going back for a Masters to pursue another career that's rough and doesn't pay much, but is fulfilling.  Perhaps I'll wind up in a cubicle somewhere and just be another office drone but whatever it is, I know it has to be something.  That there my friends, is the source of my funk.  I'm at the point now where I have to start thinking about what in the world I'm going to be doing in the near future.  This will be year 5 of being home and the longer I'm here, the harder it will be to get back into the workforce.  It's funny really.  I'm just like any other new college grad worrying about what kind of job is waiting for me out there if there are any at all.  Only difference is, I'm about 20 years older than them and have 2 kids.  I can just hear those prospective employers lining up :)

So there it is.  What I believe to be the reasons behind my funk.  As a testament to the lack of free time a parent has, this post has taken me all day to write.  I started it somewhere between 9am-10am and it's now 9:30 pm.  In between writing this there has been a trip to the playground, pre-k, an attempt to go to Target which was thwarted by a napping baby, a musical theater-like class for my daughter and other general parenting type stuff like hanging out with my kids, changing diapers and oh yeah…feeding them.  I'm sure I'll pull out of this thing and no matter what happens for me in the future I am positive I will never wish that I had not stayed home with my children.  I mean, no matter how crazy busy it may get it's still a lot of fun.  I get to be part of their lives in a way that I never experienced with my own parents and I would not trade that for anything…no matter what kind of psychological damage I may be inflicting upon them.

I will leave you with this though.  As I was writing this post sitting in the car in the Target parking lot hoping my son would awake from his nap so we could go in and get some diapers, I heard a song on the radio.  It was one of those moments where the timing of it was so perfect it just had to be the universe, or whatever you want to call it giving me a piece of advice and you know what?  I think I'm going to try and follow it...