Parenting is full of amazing little moments good and bad. From walking into the bathroom and seeing your 18 month old son playing with his toothbrush in the toilet, to watching your 4 year old daughter make her grandma's day by telling her that she will miss her so much while saying goodbye, it is truly an emotional roller coaster. This post though, is not about any of that.
Let me clear this up right off the bat. If you have found your way hear looking for stories of the magical moments of parenting, those fleeting instances of profound emotional awareness that can only come with raising a child then this is certainly not that. This is more about the situations you wonder about, or at least that I wonder about that are really only a matter of time before they happen.
As an example I offer up one of my earliest 'wonders' of parenting. While my daughter was still a newborn, in fact even before she was born I would think to myself, "I wonder how long it will be before she falls off of a bed?" I mean who hasn't heard a story about a baby rolling over and falling off of a bed? I certainly wasn't arrogant enough to think it couldn't happen to me so I would think, 'When will it be?'
Turns out it was when she was almost 11 months old. We were road tripping it to a family wedding in Indiana. At the hotel while getting ready I remember checking that my daughter was comfortable and safe on the bed. She was. I turned around for something and before I new it...THUD!
You ever see that Vietnam movie, I can't remember the name, where they have this guy blindfolded and standing at the edge of the open doors of a hovering helicopter? They push him out and then the camera angle changes to reveal that they were only a few feet off of the ground and the guy is fine. Scared sh*tless but fine.
That has got to be what it's like for a baby to fall off of a bed.
I mean, they don't realize it's only 2 or 3 feet off the ground. They don't know that they will be totally fine. They don't (hopefully) have a whole lot of experience with pain so the sudden introduction with the floor and all it's glorious stopping power is quite surprising and painful as evidenced by the gutteral cries that followed that can only be caused by a primal experience.
I can't remember who picked her up first. I think I did only because it was me that had just put her on the bed and turned away. I did remember to savor the moment (for lack of a better term) and take note that this was the experience that I had wondered about all those months ago.
They're not all bad though I admit that a lot of them are. My list of negative parenting wonders that come to mind are:
I wonder when my kid will...
have to go to the hospital.
experience her/his first breakup.
realize there is no Santa.
realize that the years pass like that (snapping sound. I was 10).
not want to walk to school with me.
run faster than me.
tell me he/she hates me.
These are things that are just part of life. They are going to happen no matter what I do and how good a parent I try to be. For me, realizing this now in some silly way will help me to understand in the future that it's nothing personal. It's just business. The business part of parenting.
There are good ones too. If you happen to be a newly pregnant mom (or maybe dad. Who knows what can happen in the future) and were looking for nice stores about the joys of parenting and instead came across this horror show and are now on the verge of tears wondering what you have gotten yourself into then don't despair. There are plenty of good wonders as well. Offhand I can't remember what they are...
I kid. Here are some of the better ones:
I wonder when...
the first time I'll really be able to enjoy embarrassing them in front of their friends will be.
I will meet the one they marry (if I am so lucky).
we will share a champagne toast together.
I can enjoy some of my favorite movies and shows with them.
I'll point to a stage or field and say 'That's my girl/boy!'
they will be able to run faster than me.
I will realize that they have grown up (again if I am so lucky).
Some of them have already started to happen with my daughter and since I have a younger son I get to look forward to these moments again. Having my daughter call for me and request that I cuddle with her or sit by her side in the hallway while lightening flashed and loud claps of thunder explode in the sky were tender moments that I was able to appreciate as they happened.
Watching Bugs Bunny, though alarming at times when you realize just how much shooting goes on is still fun. Introducing her to things like Star Treck, Star Wars and most recently West Side Story can at times be powerfully emotional moments. I've never been one to really care if somebody likes what I like or worried about being accepted, but when your kid likes what you liked as a child well, it's an awesome feeling.
So sit back, think of your child(ren) and all the things that can and will be possible. Think about those moments that are bound to happen, the ones that make you smile and maybe some of the ones that make you cringe a little. Know that they are coming so that the scary ones can perhaps be a little less scary and the happy ones can be cherished and enjoyed all the more.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Monday, May 20, 2013
Co-sleeping vs Crying it out. What's best? Ask your mom.
We are a co-sleeping family. I'm no great champion of co-sleeping mind you. I was against it wholeheartedly and if I had my druthers we would have had our kids cry it out. Part of the reason is selfish I admit. I knew back then that kids were a time sucking black hole through whitch you can see the free time you used to have just across the event horizon. It's there for you to see and admire from a distance but it's always out of reach and it ain't a never coming back.
That's all good though because kids are fun. A crap-ton of work no doubt but more fun than a puppy. You teach them things because you are wise and experienced and they pay you back by allowing you to catch glimpses of the world through their eyes which are new and open to everything. But what to do when you want those adorable little eyes to shut and for your little angel to sleep for evening?
It was my wife who first told me of the Ferber method. Sure I had seen Meet the Parents but that was before we had kids. The whole Ferberize bit was lost on me back then but now that we had a daughter I was all for anything that would allow me to crawl back into bed with my wife. She was for it too...at first.
Like many others before her, she couldn't take the crying. It was too much for her. I didn't know it back then but for a lactating mom, and this is where it's going to get all sciencey, the sound of a baby crying triggers the whole milk production thingy and can be painful to the woman if there is no suckling baby to alleviate that pressure. So for the mom the crying is physically as well as mentally uncomfortable and she has to pump anyway so it's not like she is getting any extra rest to help justify the process.
Me though, I had my eye on the prize, alone time withe the Missus. If that took a few days of crying then so be it, I could take it and I did. The message was clear, no mommy and no nursing. This was sleep time and I could not be broken. It was rough, the crying seemed to go on forever and because I was feeling bad for out neighbors I would take our daughter to the other room, get her comfortable and stay with her until she settled down. I remember putting her on the couch and putting my head on the cushion next to her, my arms stretched around her on either side so that she could not roll past me and fall to the floor.
I would sit there watching Star Trek on my phone with the headphones on and she would cry and cry and cry. I don't know how long it took for her to finally calm down but eventually sleep came. Not for her. She kept crying but I fell out. When I woke up I saw that she finally passed out herself. The apartment was quiet, I was tired and all was good. Or so I thought. As I said before this was rough on my wife. She went from suggesting the Ferber method to questioning it. I may have tried to have our daughter cry it out once or twice more but it was haphazard at best. We couldn't get the consistency needed because we could not get on the same page about it. Then I had to give up. The stress of it all was starting to affect milk production and I wasn't going to get in the way of that. The benefits of breast feeding are numerous and as long as my wife was going to go through the hassle of nursing and pumping then I would give up on the Ferberizing if it meant that the milk kept flowing.
I still wish we had the will to let her cry it out. Barring some sort of medical condition I firmly believe that given a normal healthy child, ciy is the way to go. Sure it's hard and uncomfortable but you both have to be committed to the end game, time in your own bed without the kids. There is nothing wrong with wanting that and crying until they calm down and fall asleep for a few days isn't going to hurt the baby.
Sure it's a stressor for the child. Sure it releases cortisol and I don't doubt that excessive crying could be harmful at some point to the child. Only thing is that crying it out for a few nights isn't really excessive. Crying all day because your parents don't feed you enough or hold you enough is excessive and I'm sure can have long lasting effects on the child. A baby crying until he/she learns to sooth itself in the safety and comfort of their home with loving parents around is not going to damage the kid. The parents may have a hard time but the kid will be fine.
But I didn't give birth to her, I'm not producing milk so I wasn't going to push it. I wasn't happy about co-sleeping. I was worried about rolling over and crushing my baby. I was concerned about having a kid who would be too dependent on her parents. I was upset that I would seemingly never again be able to enjoy alone time with my wife until we were old and in diapers ourselves. As it turns out though, it's not so bad.
First of all if you are going to co-sleep do yourself a big favor and get a king size bed. Our daughter is now almost 5 and our son is 19 months old. On the occasions when we all wind up in the same bed for the evening the king size bed makes all the difference. It allows mom and dad to have some space (though not together), get comfortable and get some sleep until the kids wake up for water or something.
Otherwise I found that my fear of crushing my kid was really not, well, realistic. Not for us anyway. I could stand to lose a few pounds but my daughter was never in any danger of being smothered by a big ol' belly. We were not in the habit of drinking until we passed out so smothering by drunken stuper was out as well. I also found that if I did toss and turn in my sleep just brushing up against my kid was more than enough to wake me up out of the deepest sleep. In the same way you don't roll out of bed every night and fall to the floor, you just kind of know that your kid is there the way you know that the edge of the bed is there and so you manage to not roll over either of them.
It's definitely awkward at first. Your kid falls asleep, your there with your wife and you want to spend some time together but your too tired to get up and you don't want to disturb the kid. You find that elaborate pillow barriers between you and the kid help by providing some sort of separation. A sort of our space his/her space thing but eventually you get used to the situation and can start to enjoy some time together while the baby sleeps.
Before you know it you get a toddler bed and co-sleeping turns to bedtime where you sit and read to your child staying there until sleep comes. You get more time with your spouse but before the night is over you kid will most likely wake up and work his/her way into your bed. Don't worry, the time will come when your kid will be able to sleep the entire night without waking up. For us, it happened around the same time our second kid came around and we had to start all over again.
So basically I'm in the co-sleep game for another six or so months. When the next toddler bed comes around we can move on to more of a bedtime ritual like with my daughter as opposed to the sleep schedule we try to keep with the younger one but that is ok. In the same way that allowing them to cry it out helps them to learn how to sooth themselves, co-sleeping I now undertand allows the child to experience the feelings of safety and security before drifting off into the sometimes scary world of darkness and sleep. It's more than an easier way for parents to get some rest, it's setting up the building blocks for confidence and self assuredness in our children.
Besides, one day that kid is going to tell you that they want to go to bed alone. That they are old enough to sleep by themselves because they are big kids and not afraid anymore. That's the day that I know I'll rember all the times I argued with my wife about the benifits of crying it out and why we should do it and I'll think to myslelf..."I sure am glad I lost that argument."
Then I'll chuckle to myslef as I think...'Like I ever get to win an argument."
That's all good though because kids are fun. A crap-ton of work no doubt but more fun than a puppy. You teach them things because you are wise and experienced and they pay you back by allowing you to catch glimpses of the world through their eyes which are new and open to everything. But what to do when you want those adorable little eyes to shut and for your little angel to sleep for evening?
It was my wife who first told me of the Ferber method. Sure I had seen Meet the Parents but that was before we had kids. The whole Ferberize bit was lost on me back then but now that we had a daughter I was all for anything that would allow me to crawl back into bed with my wife. She was for it too...at first.
Like many others before her, she couldn't take the crying. It was too much for her. I didn't know it back then but for a lactating mom, and this is where it's going to get all sciencey, the sound of a baby crying triggers the whole milk production thingy and can be painful to the woman if there is no suckling baby to alleviate that pressure. So for the mom the crying is physically as well as mentally uncomfortable and she has to pump anyway so it's not like she is getting any extra rest to help justify the process.
Me though, I had my eye on the prize, alone time withe the Missus. If that took a few days of crying then so be it, I could take it and I did. The message was clear, no mommy and no nursing. This was sleep time and I could not be broken. It was rough, the crying seemed to go on forever and because I was feeling bad for out neighbors I would take our daughter to the other room, get her comfortable and stay with her until she settled down. I remember putting her on the couch and putting my head on the cushion next to her, my arms stretched around her on either side so that she could not roll past me and fall to the floor.
I would sit there watching Star Trek on my phone with the headphones on and she would cry and cry and cry. I don't know how long it took for her to finally calm down but eventually sleep came. Not for her. She kept crying but I fell out. When I woke up I saw that she finally passed out herself. The apartment was quiet, I was tired and all was good. Or so I thought. As I said before this was rough on my wife. She went from suggesting the Ferber method to questioning it. I may have tried to have our daughter cry it out once or twice more but it was haphazard at best. We couldn't get the consistency needed because we could not get on the same page about it. Then I had to give up. The stress of it all was starting to affect milk production and I wasn't going to get in the way of that. The benefits of breast feeding are numerous and as long as my wife was going to go through the hassle of nursing and pumping then I would give up on the Ferberizing if it meant that the milk kept flowing.
I still wish we had the will to let her cry it out. Barring some sort of medical condition I firmly believe that given a normal healthy child, ciy is the way to go. Sure it's hard and uncomfortable but you both have to be committed to the end game, time in your own bed without the kids. There is nothing wrong with wanting that and crying until they calm down and fall asleep for a few days isn't going to hurt the baby.
Sure it's a stressor for the child. Sure it releases cortisol and I don't doubt that excessive crying could be harmful at some point to the child. Only thing is that crying it out for a few nights isn't really excessive. Crying all day because your parents don't feed you enough or hold you enough is excessive and I'm sure can have long lasting effects on the child. A baby crying until he/she learns to sooth itself in the safety and comfort of their home with loving parents around is not going to damage the kid. The parents may have a hard time but the kid will be fine.
But I didn't give birth to her, I'm not producing milk so I wasn't going to push it. I wasn't happy about co-sleeping. I was worried about rolling over and crushing my baby. I was concerned about having a kid who would be too dependent on her parents. I was upset that I would seemingly never again be able to enjoy alone time with my wife until we were old and in diapers ourselves. As it turns out though, it's not so bad.
First of all if you are going to co-sleep do yourself a big favor and get a king size bed. Our daughter is now almost 5 and our son is 19 months old. On the occasions when we all wind up in the same bed for the evening the king size bed makes all the difference. It allows mom and dad to have some space (though not together), get comfortable and get some sleep until the kids wake up for water or something.
Otherwise I found that my fear of crushing my kid was really not, well, realistic. Not for us anyway. I could stand to lose a few pounds but my daughter was never in any danger of being smothered by a big ol' belly. We were not in the habit of drinking until we passed out so smothering by drunken stuper was out as well. I also found that if I did toss and turn in my sleep just brushing up against my kid was more than enough to wake me up out of the deepest sleep. In the same way you don't roll out of bed every night and fall to the floor, you just kind of know that your kid is there the way you know that the edge of the bed is there and so you manage to not roll over either of them.
It's definitely awkward at first. Your kid falls asleep, your there with your wife and you want to spend some time together but your too tired to get up and you don't want to disturb the kid. You find that elaborate pillow barriers between you and the kid help by providing some sort of separation. A sort of our space his/her space thing but eventually you get used to the situation and can start to enjoy some time together while the baby sleeps.
Before you know it you get a toddler bed and co-sleeping turns to bedtime where you sit and read to your child staying there until sleep comes. You get more time with your spouse but before the night is over you kid will most likely wake up and work his/her way into your bed. Don't worry, the time will come when your kid will be able to sleep the entire night without waking up. For us, it happened around the same time our second kid came around and we had to start all over again.
So basically I'm in the co-sleep game for another six or so months. When the next toddler bed comes around we can move on to more of a bedtime ritual like with my daughter as opposed to the sleep schedule we try to keep with the younger one but that is ok. In the same way that allowing them to cry it out helps them to learn how to sooth themselves, co-sleeping I now undertand allows the child to experience the feelings of safety and security before drifting off into the sometimes scary world of darkness and sleep. It's more than an easier way for parents to get some rest, it's setting up the building blocks for confidence and self assuredness in our children.
Besides, one day that kid is going to tell you that they want to go to bed alone. That they are old enough to sleep by themselves because they are big kids and not afraid anymore. That's the day that I know I'll rember all the times I argued with my wife about the benifits of crying it out and why we should do it and I'll think to myslelf..."I sure am glad I lost that argument."
Then I'll chuckle to myslef as I think...'Like I ever get to win an argument."
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Baby shows, blogging and the Cadillac XTS commercial with the dickhead dad
So I helped out today at the New York baby show. I was working the dads lounge which was pretty popular. I wanted to think that I was so charismatic people were just flocking to me to hear my chit chat about the New York City dads group. Turns out though that it was because the only two changing tables at the WHOLE NY Baby Show were, you guessed it, in the dads lounge.
I mean this is a baby show and people were saying that they didn't even have any in the rest rooms. The kicker (for me anyway) was that pretty much right across from us was the moms lounge. They had lemon aid. Oh, and a nice area rug in the corner for the kiddies to play so you could sit, relax a bit and well, enjoy your lemon aid. They also had pretty flowers.
The dads lounge was not as pretty I'll admit, but WE had what the people REALLY needed, a place to wipe your kids butt. Not that I had anything to do with it mind you but it gives me a reason to say that 'dads rock!'
Moms rock too.
So anyway back to the New York City dads group. They meet up a few times a week at parks, museums and other get togethers ranging from 'How to intrude your kids to chess' to dads only nights out for a beer or even a movie screening. I got to see 'Start Trek: Into the Darkness' like a week before it opened so that was cool.
But that's not the point of this post (if there is any). While there I met a few other at-home-dads like Kevin McKeever, Oren Miller and Jason Green. I also met Natalie Diaz of Twiniversity which reminds me, I have to send her an email about my diaper bag, but I digress. I had fun and very much enjoyed my conversations with these people and as an aspiring write....and as an aspiring blogge....
...well, as an aspiring something I wanted to get their input on how much they post. You see I've had this particular slice of the internet for almost 2 years now and this is post #37. That's not even one month! I've been lazy at times, forgetful others and at one point took about 3 months off of everything to renovate my kitchen on my own. I've never felt obligated to post every little thing and viewed this mostly as a way for me to look back on my life when I'm old and senile and nothing good is on the TV, if we are still using the TV then. Also for my kids and whomever else may want to can look me up long after I'm gone and read some of the nonsense I was thinking at the time. Those though are excuses and a long time ago when I was working for stock brokers because I thought I wanted my series 7 I learned that:
Winners have attitudes, losers have excuses!
Ok not very PC I admit but it makes a point and it's my brain that brings up these flashes of wisdom so don't blame me.
Regardless of what I may think this blog is about the point is that I should be posting every day. Heck, after only 37 posts I guess I really can't say what this blog is about anyway so I'm going to give it a try. How long will it last? Who knows. It's very possible that this will be my last post for months so I guess I'll just have to see but that's not the point of this post (or is it).
Since I need to write about something I've decided to kick it off with this Cadillac commercial...
So the first time I see the commercial I'm like, cool you can synch your playlist. I wonder how long that will take to filter down to whatever very, very un-Cadillac type car I wind up getting in the future and then I'm like "What the f did I just watch?'
Ok so lets break this down, the kid basically grabs his backpack for what I guess is a weekend with dad. He gets in the car and doesn't notice anything until the father starts up the car with a push of a button to which the teen finally takes off his headphones and asks "Did you get a new car?" and they both smile and the commercial continues.
Then it hits me. The dad is obviously divorced from this kids mom. He's got to be, his own son had no idea he was getting a new car. As a former teen male myself with divorced parents I can tell you that if either one of them was getting a new car, I knew about it. That this kid had no idea suggests a paternal relationship even more dysfunctional than mine and that's not good.
Then I think wait a sec, this is an expensive car isn't it? Hell, it starts at 45K so now we have a young divorced dad who apparently can blow 45K-60K on a car to apparently impress his teenage son.
'What a dick!' I think. I mean why would you not tell your kid your thinking of getting a new car and at least try and bond with him that way. I imagine the ad execs at Cadillac could have had the dad looking for a luxury car and his teen tells him what's hip or something and managed to come up with a good commercial.
Nope, instead they decided to go for the dickhead dad segment. The guys who think it's cool to blow a wad of cash on a car so they can get points with their kid. That's what I got from it. All they needed was a big breasted bimbo girlfriend in the car to complete the picture but then the kid would have had to get into the back which would have killed the bonding vibe I figure they were trying to convey.
Thanks internet. I needed to get that off my chest. That commercial has been bugging me for a while.
I mean this is a baby show and people were saying that they didn't even have any in the rest rooms. The kicker (for me anyway) was that pretty much right across from us was the moms lounge. They had lemon aid. Oh, and a nice area rug in the corner for the kiddies to play so you could sit, relax a bit and well, enjoy your lemon aid. They also had pretty flowers.
The dads lounge was not as pretty I'll admit, but WE had what the people REALLY needed, a place to wipe your kids butt. Not that I had anything to do with it mind you but it gives me a reason to say that 'dads rock!'
Moms rock too.
So anyway back to the New York City dads group. They meet up a few times a week at parks, museums and other get togethers ranging from 'How to intrude your kids to chess' to dads only nights out for a beer or even a movie screening. I got to see 'Start Trek: Into the Darkness' like a week before it opened so that was cool.
But that's not the point of this post (if there is any). While there I met a few other at-home-dads like Kevin McKeever, Oren Miller and Jason Green. I also met Natalie Diaz of Twiniversity which reminds me, I have to send her an email about my diaper bag, but I digress. I had fun and very much enjoyed my conversations with these people and as an aspiring write....and as an aspiring blogge....
...well, as an aspiring something I wanted to get their input on how much they post. You see I've had this particular slice of the internet for almost 2 years now and this is post #37. That's not even one month! I've been lazy at times, forgetful others and at one point took about 3 months off of everything to renovate my kitchen on my own. I've never felt obligated to post every little thing and viewed this mostly as a way for me to look back on my life when I'm old and senile and nothing good is on the TV, if we are still using the TV then. Also for my kids and whomever else may want to can look me up long after I'm gone and read some of the nonsense I was thinking at the time. Those though are excuses and a long time ago when I was working for stock brokers because I thought I wanted my series 7 I learned that:
Winners have attitudes, losers have excuses!
Ok not very PC I admit but it makes a point and it's my brain that brings up these flashes of wisdom so don't blame me.
Regardless of what I may think this blog is about the point is that I should be posting every day. Heck, after only 37 posts I guess I really can't say what this blog is about anyway so I'm going to give it a try. How long will it last? Who knows. It's very possible that this will be my last post for months so I guess I'll just have to see but that's not the point of this post (or is it).
Since I need to write about something I've decided to kick it off with this Cadillac commercial...
So the first time I see the commercial I'm like, cool you can synch your playlist. I wonder how long that will take to filter down to whatever very, very un-Cadillac type car I wind up getting in the future and then I'm like "What the f did I just watch?'
Ok so lets break this down, the kid basically grabs his backpack for what I guess is a weekend with dad. He gets in the car and doesn't notice anything until the father starts up the car with a push of a button to which the teen finally takes off his headphones and asks "Did you get a new car?" and they both smile and the commercial continues.
Then it hits me. The dad is obviously divorced from this kids mom. He's got to be, his own son had no idea he was getting a new car. As a former teen male myself with divorced parents I can tell you that if either one of them was getting a new car, I knew about it. That this kid had no idea suggests a paternal relationship even more dysfunctional than mine and that's not good.
Then I think wait a sec, this is an expensive car isn't it? Hell, it starts at 45K so now we have a young divorced dad who apparently can blow 45K-60K on a car to apparently impress his teenage son.
'What a dick!' I think. I mean why would you not tell your kid your thinking of getting a new car and at least try and bond with him that way. I imagine the ad execs at Cadillac could have had the dad looking for a luxury car and his teen tells him what's hip or something and managed to come up with a good commercial.
Nope, instead they decided to go for the dickhead dad segment. The guys who think it's cool to blow a wad of cash on a car so they can get points with their kid. That's what I got from it. All they needed was a big breasted bimbo girlfriend in the car to complete the picture but then the kid would have had to get into the back which would have killed the bonding vibe I figure they were trying to convey.
Thanks internet. I needed to get that off my chest. That commercial has been bugging me for a while.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Kindergarten admissions process - Math, Science? Who cares, I want to know what time my kid eats lunch!
It's that time when parents are freaking out about where to send their little ones to school. My daughter will be entering kindergarten this September so I did the school tour thing. I've been to about 10. I knew things were different from when I went to grade school way back in the 70's, I really wasn't sure just how different it was but basically my view was 'a school is a school', some will be better than others so I'll see which ones I like.
I will admit, I'm pretty blasé about the process. You see, no matter where she goes I'll be helping her with her homework and involved in her learning. How much may depend on the school she attends but to me that part is unimportant. I have heard parents bitch and moan that some kids get too much homework and it interferes with their own time. I keep thinking tough, should have thought about that before you had a kid. The important thing is that I feel she will be in a positive learning environment. If she likes school then it will be that much easier to learn.
What happens though is that I go to these tours and I hear the questions the other parents have and I"m, well, flabbergasted.
The majority of questions are not about reading, writing and arithmetic. I heard more questions about when lunch was served, if the kids get to go out and play, and how they handle kids with allergies. Not that these are not valid questions, I asked some myself. I also asked things like what type of math do you teach. When told TERC I would have a follow up pointing out that many college professors don't believe that program properly prepares kids for higher math. Did they feel the same way and did they feel the need to supliment?
Not to toot my own horn, but that is the type of question I think more people should be asking.
Sadly very few do and more are concerned about how the school separates older kids from younger and how is bullying handled. 'Will the children have to walk up all these stairs?" Or, "My son is very energetic and has trouble sitting still for long periods of time...", as if an elementary school that has been around for years and has hundreds of students has not come across that 'kid' before.
I really see that a lot of parents are more concerned about how their little snowflake will feel in school and that is great, it's just that I didn't get the vibe from these people that they were more concerned about what their kid will learn.
I don't understand how we can keep educators on their toes about education when our greatest concern is that little Sarah may eat lunch at 10am. I'm not saying that these things are not important, but I have seen these types of questions take up way more time then questions about actual academics and that is if anyone else even bothers to ask!
Also, whenever I would go to these things I made it a point to look at the children's faces. It's very easy to scan over a classroom and walk away thinking, 'I saw some nice artwork on the wall and the kids seem ok. Now how did this school do on state wide testing?' It's quite another to actually walk up and really look at some of the work on the walls and take a good look at the kids facial expressions and body language. Do they look engaged? Are they paying attention or are they just board?
At one school the work on the wall for a particular grade was about the constitution. I think it was the 1st amendment. All the reports were, sad to say, uninspiring. They all started pretty much the same way...
I like the 1st amendment because...
The 1st amendment is my favorite because...
The 1st amendment is the most important because...
Ok, that is not exactly what they said but that is pretty much what they were all like. A whole classroom of assignments that were all pretty much the same, uninspired and made me think of my grammar school days when I would get a report like that, sit on it, do it last minute and get an A.
I see that and am not impressed but other parents are ooing and ahhing that the kids are writing about the constitution. They see the work on the wall, they just don't really look. That contrasted sharply with another school where the kids were evidently allowed to choose what they wrote about. My favorite was the kid who wrote an essay on why they should have less homework.
At that school all the essays were fun and though they were written by a younger class than the 1st amendment assignments I saw they were all (the ones I saw), better and showed students actively engaged in their assignments, not just merely regurgitation facts.
So basically, for the parents who will go through this next year don't be afraid to ask questions. They may not like some of what you ask. When safety came up and I asked how may times they reported incidents to the police (which are records they must keep required by law) they hated that and could never give an answer or would just say only a few.
You are thinking of sending your kid there with people you don't know for a few hours a day. Ask whatever you think is important, don't be afraid. After seeing a teacher destroy the pronunciation of acetaminophen during a school tour I told the guide that I found that deplorable.
I was the only one who spoke up and I was told later by other parents that they were thinking the same thing. I remember thinking 'Why didn't you say something then?'
This is how that particualr situation played out...
On the school tour they took us into a science class. The teacher could not pronounce the word acetaminophen. It was the main ingredient in their experiment. I can deal with that I mean, I mangle words all the time but the thing is, she didn't bother to even find out. Instead she told the class to just call it a pain pill.
After we exited the class I did say that I thought that what I just saw was appalling. After all, it was their scheduled tour.
Later, after the tour was over the teacher/guide was speaking to another parent but was right next to me. I hear that she was taking about 'irate parents' saying how they just get upset and write emails. While she says this she is making gestures like banging away at a keyboard saying 'blah blah blah' so without thinking (I admit) I say "excuse me, are you doing an imitation of an upset parent writing a letter?'
She got very defensive, and in the end it would up with her wagging a finger in front of my face, calling me aggressive loudly enough for other parents to hear and then walking away from me.
It's possible I am making too much of that but I tend to think that if a grown adult can lose it like that on me after only a few minutes, why should I believe she can always maintain her composure with the children? Heck, they probably would not even know it if they were talked down to by a teacher. I can't just say she would never do that to a kid because she just did it to me and I'm there because I'm interested in the school.
I did speak to the principal and she was very nice. Her response was basically that she wasn't there to hear the teacher mispronounce the word and suggested that it was really not that bad. As far as the behaviour of the guide/teacher, she didn't bother to address it at all. Basically before she got off the phone she had made it clear that she did not witness the events personally and that it probably wasn't that big of a deal.
Now this was at a public school in a gentrified area that has a very good reputation and very involved parent community. Enough so that parents are tripping all over themselves to get their kid enrolled. Though this teacher was doing this exaggerated impersonation of a parent, nobody was paying attention to it. Me, all I can think of is...
What if you are talking to this teacher during a parent teacher meeting and she tells you that your kid has behavioral issues? Is she really the person to make that call? What if you as a parent go to this particular teach to express a concern you may have? Do you think she would take it seriously or just tell you that she will and mock you later?
For me that type of behavior by a teacher selected to represent the school, not to mention the principal who wanted to make it seem like it never happened was a deal breaker for me and that school.
Had I not been able to bring myself to ask a few questions and speak my mind I would, like the other parents there thought that it was a great place to send my kid.
I will admit, I'm pretty blasé about the process. You see, no matter where she goes I'll be helping her with her homework and involved in her learning. How much may depend on the school she attends but to me that part is unimportant. I have heard parents bitch and moan that some kids get too much homework and it interferes with their own time. I keep thinking tough, should have thought about that before you had a kid. The important thing is that I feel she will be in a positive learning environment. If she likes school then it will be that much easier to learn.
What happens though is that I go to these tours and I hear the questions the other parents have and I"m, well, flabbergasted.
The majority of questions are not about reading, writing and arithmetic. I heard more questions about when lunch was served, if the kids get to go out and play, and how they handle kids with allergies. Not that these are not valid questions, I asked some myself. I also asked things like what type of math do you teach. When told TERC I would have a follow up pointing out that many college professors don't believe that program properly prepares kids for higher math. Did they feel the same way and did they feel the need to supliment?
Not to toot my own horn, but that is the type of question I think more people should be asking.
Sadly very few do and more are concerned about how the school separates older kids from younger and how is bullying handled. 'Will the children have to walk up all these stairs?" Or, "My son is very energetic and has trouble sitting still for long periods of time...", as if an elementary school that has been around for years and has hundreds of students has not come across that 'kid' before.
I really see that a lot of parents are more concerned about how their little snowflake will feel in school and that is great, it's just that I didn't get the vibe from these people that they were more concerned about what their kid will learn.
I don't understand how we can keep educators on their toes about education when our greatest concern is that little Sarah may eat lunch at 10am. I'm not saying that these things are not important, but I have seen these types of questions take up way more time then questions about actual academics and that is if anyone else even bothers to ask!
Also, whenever I would go to these things I made it a point to look at the children's faces. It's very easy to scan over a classroom and walk away thinking, 'I saw some nice artwork on the wall and the kids seem ok. Now how did this school do on state wide testing?' It's quite another to actually walk up and really look at some of the work on the walls and take a good look at the kids facial expressions and body language. Do they look engaged? Are they paying attention or are they just board?
At one school the work on the wall for a particular grade was about the constitution. I think it was the 1st amendment. All the reports were, sad to say, uninspiring. They all started pretty much the same way...
I like the 1st amendment because...
The 1st amendment is my favorite because...
The 1st amendment is the most important because...
Ok, that is not exactly what they said but that is pretty much what they were all like. A whole classroom of assignments that were all pretty much the same, uninspired and made me think of my grammar school days when I would get a report like that, sit on it, do it last minute and get an A.
I see that and am not impressed but other parents are ooing and ahhing that the kids are writing about the constitution. They see the work on the wall, they just don't really look. That contrasted sharply with another school where the kids were evidently allowed to choose what they wrote about. My favorite was the kid who wrote an essay on why they should have less homework.
At that school all the essays were fun and though they were written by a younger class than the 1st amendment assignments I saw they were all (the ones I saw), better and showed students actively engaged in their assignments, not just merely regurgitation facts.
So basically, for the parents who will go through this next year don't be afraid to ask questions. They may not like some of what you ask. When safety came up and I asked how may times they reported incidents to the police (which are records they must keep required by law) they hated that and could never give an answer or would just say only a few.
You are thinking of sending your kid there with people you don't know for a few hours a day. Ask whatever you think is important, don't be afraid. After seeing a teacher destroy the pronunciation of acetaminophen during a school tour I told the guide that I found that deplorable.
I was the only one who spoke up and I was told later by other parents that they were thinking the same thing. I remember thinking 'Why didn't you say something then?'
This is how that particualr situation played out...
On the school tour they took us into a science class. The teacher could not pronounce the word acetaminophen. It was the main ingredient in their experiment. I can deal with that I mean, I mangle words all the time but the thing is, she didn't bother to even find out. Instead she told the class to just call it a pain pill.
After we exited the class I did say that I thought that what I just saw was appalling. After all, it was their scheduled tour.
Later, after the tour was over the teacher/guide was speaking to another parent but was right next to me. I hear that she was taking about 'irate parents' saying how they just get upset and write emails. While she says this she is making gestures like banging away at a keyboard saying 'blah blah blah' so without thinking (I admit) I say "excuse me, are you doing an imitation of an upset parent writing a letter?'
She got very defensive, and in the end it would up with her wagging a finger in front of my face, calling me aggressive loudly enough for other parents to hear and then walking away from me.
It's possible I am making too much of that but I tend to think that if a grown adult can lose it like that on me after only a few minutes, why should I believe she can always maintain her composure with the children? Heck, they probably would not even know it if they were talked down to by a teacher. I can't just say she would never do that to a kid because she just did it to me and I'm there because I'm interested in the school.
I did speak to the principal and she was very nice. Her response was basically that she wasn't there to hear the teacher mispronounce the word and suggested that it was really not that bad. As far as the behaviour of the guide/teacher, she didn't bother to address it at all. Basically before she got off the phone she had made it clear that she did not witness the events personally and that it probably wasn't that big of a deal.
Now this was at a public school in a gentrified area that has a very good reputation and very involved parent community. Enough so that parents are tripping all over themselves to get their kid enrolled. Though this teacher was doing this exaggerated impersonation of a parent, nobody was paying attention to it. Me, all I can think of is...
What if you are talking to this teacher during a parent teacher meeting and she tells you that your kid has behavioral issues? Is she really the person to make that call? What if you as a parent go to this particular teach to express a concern you may have? Do you think she would take it seriously or just tell you that she will and mock you later?
For me that type of behavior by a teacher selected to represent the school, not to mention the principal who wanted to make it seem like it never happened was a deal breaker for me and that school.
Had I not been able to bring myself to ask a few questions and speak my mind I would, like the other parents there thought that it was a great place to send my kid.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Can a daddy use a little girls room?
So
I go to pick up my daughter from UPK the other day. As often happens my
daughter wants to go to the bathroom before we leave and tells me that she has
to go potty. She goes into the girl’s room and I, as usual, follow.
Now
nobody else is usually around and there is a sink and towel area before
the stall area. I hang out by the sink and glimpse over to the stall
area from time to time to make sure everything is proceeding as it
should. For example, when I saw that she was rolling out enough tp that
it made contact with the bathroom floor I told her not to use that and to not
let the toilet paper touch the ground. Other duties have included flush
monitor and helping to pull pants back up.
Once
a teacher was with another student and asked that I wait outside and that she
would help my kid to which my child said no, she wanted me. The teacher
saw my kid meant business and let us be, it was fine and I was a bit relieved.
You never know how a situation can turn out and I have managed to avoid it.
Until
now...
Same
old story, my kid is in the stall, I look under and see her little feet
dangling. I give her few moments and next time I check she is pulling her
pants up. I'll just need to help with the sink and paper towel. At
that moment a teacher walks in, a different one and upon seeing me she starts
giving me the whole 'Please wait outside and I'll help your daughter'
thing.
I
tell her that I'll just be by the sink area to help out my kid and we will be
off. Everyone is nice and polite. This is not a horror story of tempers,
but more of a look at behavior. The teacher starts to tell me that it's a
woman's room and she just has to go to the bathroom. I'm trying to tell
her that I'll be by the sink and won't be able to see her and my daughter
rounds the corner and tells the lady "I don't want you. I want my
daddy to help" and bee lines right for me.
As
this is happening, the teacher who has been fixated on me completely misses
what my kid just said and instinctively bends down over my daughter putting her
arms around my daughter’s waist to guide her to the sink. My daughter is
not budging and sticking by me. I start telling the teacher, "Please
let go of my daughter. Still, nobody is yelling, but I am being more
forceful in my demand for her to let my kid go, as I had to say this at least
three times.
Finally
she stopped and straightened up, listening to me long enough for me to explain
that she just ignored my kid while grabbing her in front of her dad and not
letting go when asked. Well, she was all apologies then and left us
alone. It's not like I rarely drop her off or pick her up, or that the
teachers and staff don't recognize me. For that teacher it was all about
me being a man in a girl’s room and not a father looking out for and helping
his little girl.
I'm
not really sure what to make of that?
Saturday, October 20, 2012
How the TV will let me know when I am old
How do I know I'm getting old? Because those Time Life Music Collection commercials, or whatever they are nowadays, are finally starting to target the music from my era. It's not quite aimed at me exactly as some of the music was released in 1975 and 1979 when I was between 5 and 10, but it's close.
I remember these songs. Songs like 'Swear to God', 'The Hustle' and 'Ladies Night' but they really don't have that 'Oh yeah, I was doing THAT when this came out' kind of appeal. For me, those songs came out later. The music they are advertising now makes me think, 'Oh yeah, I remember that on the radio'
That is why I will know that I am getting old when those infomercials start playing Depeche Mode, Adam Ant and...can't you just hear it now, UB40's 'Red Red Wine'. You know there has got to be somebody over at the music collection hits infomercial main office that is just waiting to pull the trigger on that one.
I remember these songs. Songs like 'Swear to God', 'The Hustle' and 'Ladies Night' but they really don't have that 'Oh yeah, I was doing THAT when this came out' kind of appeal. For me, those songs came out later. The music they are advertising now makes me think, 'Oh yeah, I remember that on the radio'
That is why I will know that I am getting old when those infomercials start playing Depeche Mode, Adam Ant and...can't you just hear it now, UB40's 'Red Red Wine'. You know there has got to be somebody over at the music collection hits infomercial main office that is just waiting to pull the trigger on that one.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Bootlegging daddy: The Fresh Beat Band
There used to be a time when I went to full-fledged stadium sized concerts. I've seen The Police, Prince, Billy Joel, Elton John and Pink Floyd to name a few. I was even at Woodstock 94, you know, the one where the masses didn't make an ass of themselves and set stuff on fire.
Oh how children change things. Concerts now can start at 11am, can be in a park and are never more than an hour long (thank goodness). There are a few acts that are big enough to play concert halls. Not the really big ones like Madison Square Garden which can seat about 20,000 people but venues like the Beacon Theater that fit about 2,000.
One of the biggest kid bands out there now is 'The Fresh Beat Band' and wouldn't you know it, my daughter loves them. Quite often she informs me that she is KiKi, I'm Shout, my wife is Marina and my soon to be 1 year old is Twist. Getting tickets for them is ridiculously hard. They sell out fast. Like World Series fast. My wife however managed to score a pair for my daughter and I. She was also lucky enough to win a pair so we got to go twice in two weeks (oh joy).
So...I did what any parent would do when at a concert of their kids favorite band, I recorded as much of it as I could for enjoyment later. Hell, at $50 a ticket (nosebleed section) I want to make sure the experience lasts. I also took a bunch of photos. If your kid is a Fresh Beats fan or if you are thinking about going to the show then check out the pics and video below to get an idea of what the experience is like. Maybe I can even help out a few parents by providing a moment of peace so you can get something done.
First, the pictures. Enjoy...
Now for some video...
Oh how children change things. Concerts now can start at 11am, can be in a park and are never more than an hour long (thank goodness). There are a few acts that are big enough to play concert halls. Not the really big ones like Madison Square Garden which can seat about 20,000 people but venues like the Beacon Theater that fit about 2,000.
One of the biggest kid bands out there now is 'The Fresh Beat Band' and wouldn't you know it, my daughter loves them. Quite often she informs me that she is KiKi, I'm Shout, my wife is Marina and my soon to be 1 year old is Twist. Getting tickets for them is ridiculously hard. They sell out fast. Like World Series fast. My wife however managed to score a pair for my daughter and I. She was also lucky enough to win a pair so we got to go twice in two weeks (oh joy).
So...I did what any parent would do when at a concert of their kids favorite band, I recorded as much of it as I could for enjoyment later. Hell, at $50 a ticket (nosebleed section) I want to make sure the experience lasts. I also took a bunch of photos. If your kid is a Fresh Beats fan or if you are thinking about going to the show then check out the pics and video below to get an idea of what the experience is like. Maybe I can even help out a few parents by providing a moment of peace so you can get something done.
First, the pictures. Enjoy...
Now for some video...
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